Thoughts On Family

Going on eight years my siblings haven't spoken to me for reasons that only they and God know. Why is that? They refuse to tell me. One sibling came close saying she only called me to tell me that she wasn't mad anymore about what Randy and Melanie told her I said about mom and dad. ????
I truly haven't the vaguest idea what they are talking about.

They say I lie and live in the past. Yet it's not *I* who keeps the bitterness, who lives in the past. It is them. They blame me for everything that has ever happened in that family.

I *used* to be bitter and hurt beyond belief towards these people including my mother and father. I took care of these kids when I was only 9 years old. With a mother who was working many hours to help put food on the table, and a father who stayed out half the night or all night drinking up his check, I was alone with the kids at nine years of age trying to take care of them as best as I could.  If my brother had a tummy ache, I worried and`since we had no phone, couldn't call mom so I made him a cup of warm milk to sip on.
Mom had the babies in Summer and so I had babies by myself to take care of. When Chris was born in early June, I was 13 and mom was working 3-11 shift so she had to teach me how to make baby formula with oil, water and Carnation Evaporated milk and then the bottles boiled on the stove. I had to feed and take care of the little infant girl, Chris, every few hours just like a mother.
I don't say this to say "Oh, look at me, how wonderful I am". Not at all. Even though many people have said my childhood was stolen, I love my siblings deeply. But I no longer like them. Due to what happened with dad, my entire life was destroyed.

Almost a year ago I entered into a 12 step program to try to salvage what I could of my life. I am about to turn 64. My father died at 72 and my mother at 79, so we don't have longevity in our life. Meaning I don't know how much longer I have. I have MS, I've had a heart attack, there are numerous health issues, but as long as I live I strive for my life to be good. I have lost the hurt and bitter feelings because I have worked my program pretty well.
God is able to do what *I* can not do.

I am hoping this continuing blog will turn into a salable memoir. I don't care anymore what any of them think. Not because I want to be mean or vindictive, but because my writing is mine and I no longer have to hold back telling my story because I fear hurting feelings or exposing truth. And not because I don't care about them; I do. But not the way I used to. I am finally my own person with my own dreams, and aspirations and I answer to no one but God.

More later....

LATE AT NIGHT AND NOT DRUNK BUT THINKING OF YOU......

Since I knew in the eyes of the law and the bible I knew that loving you was wrong I tried very hard to stop. Loving you, that is.

But it has been going on two years (in 4 months) and you have not written nor called so I tell myself on one day, that you are too afraid, you no longer trust me. But on another day I say the simple truth is you no longer love me.

No man will EVER measure up to you. People have said to me that you were a coward. That you were a drunk If you loved me the way you should have that you would be here. Yet no one doubts that you *DID* love me....

You made me feel delicate and strong and beautiful despite my own lack of security. Our inner children enjoyed each other. Our lovemaking and chemistry between us was fiery yet soft and magical.

When oh, when, will I stop loving you?
I think never.....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eM213aMKTHg